some feelings

Yestoday night, suddenly remember some feelings, may be a month before. For a long time that I always wake up in mid-night, and my mind is very very clear, but I don't know why. That's when I have a telephone about my interview the next day, I saw something, that I really don't want to see, coz I ... Then, my brain become blank, I can't hear any words from the other line, I really can't. I have never had this feeling, never. It's magic! After may be 4 or 5 minutes, I calm down.

It really happened!

Somedays before, when I go upstairs to do something, Liang said it's a long time after your last coming here. After some seconds, I realized that it's true. It's a long time! I do want to come here, but I just don't want to see something that may hurt me, although it's not right. I try my best to work like a cattle, and play like a child, I try my best to calm down.

I have two sides in my mind, may be everyone have, not so simple like the light side and the black side.One side, I know what's right and what's wrong. The other side, I don't konw how to define it, it's some needs, or just some feelings that may maze me. I really can't control my feelings, my emotion, especially the bad, I have tears when I am hurt or touched, I am angry when something make me angry. Sometimes, I find work and work or play and play can make you forget something for a while, can stop your attention on something. But just for a while.

I understand why some people commit suicide, why some people can't find the purpose of their life, why so many people do so stupid things. We should understand each other, but it's really so difficult, something when you open your heat you will lose something, may be forever. We human beings is the slave of our emotion. I am one of them.

I always write somethings that have no means, just a page of words, because it's just for myself, may be nobody can undetstand what I say, coz my mind is mass, also my words.